


Into Shadows, Part 10

by skyblue_reverie



Series: Into Shadows [10]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 06:04:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21010970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyblue_reverie/pseuds/skyblue_reverie
Summary: My take on Into Darkness.  This part: the happily ever after!





	Into Shadows, Part 10

The steady beeping of the biomonitors was both a comfort and an irritation. A comfort, because the steady sounds assured McCoy that Chris was alive, stable. Whole. An irritation, because despite all the indications of physical health, Chris still wouldn’t wake the hell up.

He was standing at Chris’s bedside, trying to will the stubborn bastard into consciousness, when he heard the door swish open behind him and felt Jim moving to stand next to him. He tensed. He hadn’t spoken to Jim since he’d told Jim to get out of his sight in medbay, when Chris was lying there… no, he wasn’t going to think about that.

He hadn’t meant that he never wanted to see Jim again, not really, but he was still so goddamn angry, so hurt, that Jim had actually made the choice to kill Chris. The man Leonard loved. 

Jim, though, had taken him at his word, and he had seen neither hide nor hair of the kid until just now, two weeks after the whole debacle. He knew Jim had been visiting Chris, because he’d seen the sign-ins, but he’d been careful to only go when he knew Leonard wouldn’t be there, for the brief periods when Leonard allowed himself to be bullied by the staff into going to get some rest himself. Probably had someone in the hospital tipping him off when it was safe to go. Leonard should’ve been pissed off that Jim had a spy, but all he could feel about it was dully grateful that he hadn’t had to deal with Jim before now. Looked like the reprieve was over, though.

McCoy glanced over at Jim, who was now facing Chris’s bed at parade rest, feet shoulder width apart and hands clasped behind his back. His eyes flicked over to Leonard and they were wary and guarded, but Leonard could read the flicker of apprehension and guilt there. He could also see the lines of exhaustion and pain etched onto Jim’s face, and knew that he was at least partially responsible for putting them there. Then again, the reverse was true as well – Jim was at least partially responsible for the pallor of Leonard’s face and the dark circles under his eyes.

God damnit, he did not want to deal with this. He knew, though, that if he didn’t, that if he rejected Jim again and pushed him away, it was unlikely they’d ever work their way back to being friends the way they had been. Maybe it wasn’t going to happen anyway, but if there was one thing Leonard didn’t know how to do, it was to give up. So he was going to try, however much he knew it was going to hurt.

“Jim,” he said cautiously, a greeting, but testing the waters as well.

He thought he could see some of the tension leave Jim’s frame at the acknowledgment of his presence, and the use of his first name. “Bones,” he said in response, and Leonard likewise relaxed just a little bit at Jim’s use of the familiar, if irritating, nickname.

There was silence for a long, uncomfortable moment. Leonard had no idea what to say, how to explain to Jim how he felt about the whole fucked-up situation. Jim finally broke the silence. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

It should have made Leonard feel better, and in a way it did, but it also brought all of the helpless anger welling back up into him, threatening to overflow.

“How could you, Jim?” McCoy forced out in a rough, low voice.

Jim’s response was soft, but there was none of the hesitation that Leonard had half-expected. “I had to. I had to choose. And there is no universe in which I ever save anyone over you, Bones.”

McCoy knew it was true, and it was maybe even a little reassuring, or gratifying, or something, to hear it, but still - “I _wanted_ you to pick him, Jim. I would have died so Chris could live.” Leonard could hear the bitterness, the accusation, in his own voice.

“I know you would have, Bones. And I would have died in Chris’s place if I could have, or in yours. But that wasn’t my choice. It was him or you. If you were in my place, if someone made you choose between me and Chris, one of us had to die, what would you do?”

Leonard gave a minute flinch as the question hit home. Of course he’d thought about it, in the hours and days following that nightmare with Khan. He couldn’t even imagine being forced to make that decision. But then, he wasn’t Jim, wasn’t a tactical genius like Jim. Jim always had a way out. “You always say you don’t believe in no-win scenarios, Jim. Why couldn’t you have saved both of us?”

Jim’s eyes closed briefly, and when they opened back up and met Leonard’s, he could read Jim’s agony in those blue, blue depths. “I would have, Bones. If I saw any way out of the situation, any way to save you both, even if it meant dying myself, I would have. In a heartbeat. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t find another way out. Maybe there was a way, but I couldn’t find it, not in the time I was given. I’m sorry, Bones. I’m so sorry.” A harsh sob escaped him, and then another. He looked away from McCoy, obviously not wanting him to see Jim’s tears.

God damn it. Leonard could’ve dealt with anything except tears. He’d never been able to handle his loved ones being in pain, and Jim – well, he hardly ever cried. He didn’t know what the hell would come out of his mouth if he opened it right now, though, whether it would be reassurance or more accusation, and anyway it was clear Jim wanted to pretend he wasn’t crying at all, so he clenched his jaw and waited until Jim got himself under control.

A deep shuddering breath, and then Jim spoke. “This is why they took the Enterprise, you know.”

Leonard glanced at him in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I was so fucking _arrogant_. I couldn’t imagine a situation that I couldn’t find a way out of, pull out a complete victory, with no downside. I thought I’d never take any losses. God, I was so stupid. I started acting like not accepting a ‘no-win scenario’ is the same as always attaining a ‘no-lose scenario’, and they’re not the same, at all. You can get a win overall and still take losses. Sometimes you have no choice.”

Leonard considered this for a moment. “You mean, sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war?”

“Yeah. Or, even – sometimes you lose the battle even if it doesn’t help you win the war. Sometimes shit just happens and you can’t stop it.”

Well, that was sure as hell true. He weighed it for a moment, then dared to ask a question that had been on his mind since he’d been in that chamber with Khan holding a phaser to his head. “When Khan had us, Chris said to you, ‘you know what to do.’ What did he mean?”

He dared a look at Jim, and he couldn’t read the expression on his face. It was almost a half-smile but there was too much anguish behind it to be remotely happy.

“He and I - we talked about this, in a way. When you were so pissed off at him for wanting to bomb Khan – Harrison, then, I guess – from afar, rather than capture him and have him tried. After you stormed off, Chris said to me that if we tried to capture Harrison, he or I might die in the attempt, and that that would kill you. And Chris said he was willing to live with you hating him forever rather than risk hurting you that way. So, he meant, I had to care enough about you enough to let you hate me, maybe for the rest of my life, if it meant keeping you safe. And I do. So I did.” Jim clenched his jaw and kept his eyes straight forward, not meeting Leonard’s gaze.

Well, fuck. God damn the two noble heroes in his life and their constant attempts to shield him. He couldn’t even hate them for it like he wanted to. _Damn it._ He sat down heavily in the visitor’s chair behind him and dropped his head into his hands, rubbing his temples. Jim had just kicked Leonard’s moral high horse right out from under him.

When he looked up a moment later, Jim had turned to face him and was looking into his eyes with something heartbreakingly like a plea for forgiveness. But there wasn’t anything to forgive. The clusterfuck wasn’t anyone’s fault but Khan’s, and he was back in deep freeze where he belonged.

So Leonard cleared his throat. “I get it. I can’t even say that you’re wrong. And – it’s not your fault, and I don’t hate you. I’m – sorry, about what I said before.”

The relief flooding Jim’s face made Leonard feel even guiltier than he had a moment ago. Jim shook his head. “Bones. You’ve got nothing to apologize for. Are we – okay?”

“Yeah, Jim, we’re good,” he said gruffly. “Now if Chris would only wake up, I’d be fucking fantastic.”

If this were a holopic instead of real life, that would have been the moment Chris regained consciousness. But he didn’t. It was two more long weeks of waiting and hoping and hardly being able to sleep, but having Jim beside him made it bearable. Barely.

And so when Chris did open his eyes, gasping awake like he was coming out of a nightmare, Leonard and Jim both stood up from where they’d been sitting by his bedside, arguing lightly over who-the-hell-knew-what. Leonard immediately bent over him, taking his hand and speaking to him gently. “Chris, it’s all right. You’re safe. We’re back on earth.”

“But I was – “ Chris cut himself off.

“Dead? Yeah, darlin’. You were. But you’re okay now.”

Chris seemed stunned speechless, the first time Leonard had ever seen him so. Jim filled the silence in his typical Jim way. “Eh, don’t be so melodramatic. You were barely dead. Bones here cured you with Khan’s superblood.”

“Khan? Where is he?” Chris asked.

“Back in cryo, with the rest of his people.” Leonard said. “I just synthesized a serum from Khan’s blood and it did the real work. It helped your body heal like nothing I’ve ever seen.”

“Don’t let him be modest,” Jim said. “All you and I have done is captain a starship. He cured _death_. That’s some pretty epic shit right there.”

Leonard rolled his eyes and, ignoring Jim, spoke to Chris again. “Are you doin’ all right? Can I get you anything? I’ll need to run a few tests but it can wait until you’re a bit more settled.”

“I’m all right. I think,” said Chris, clearly overwhelmed.

“Are you sure, sir? Not feeling homicidal? Power mad? Despotic?” Jim asked. Kid never knew when to quit.

“No more than usual,” Chris said drily. “What’s going on? What’d I miss?” 

Leonard sighed. It was just like Chris to jump right back into the thick of things, not taking a moment to relax. Then again, he would’ve been no different. He allowed himself a brief moment to just take it in, the knowledge that Chris was alive and would be fine, that he and Jim were fine as well, and that against all odds, the three of them had weathered the darkness and come back into the light, together.


End file.
